Almost four months until it’s bye-bye high school and it’s time to really start life. All this time I’ve been so afraid of it and I really shouldn’t. I’ve been so afraid that I’m going to fall on my face and fail, when I don’t know that. I don’t know that I’m going to fail at all just like I don’t know if I’ll live to see tomorrow. Anything can happen and I’m starting to feel excited by it. Life is almost there for me, and I’m happy.
I’ve changed so much this past year from who I used to be. I was a sad, sad person I realized. I didn’t really have anything in priority. The wrong people were in my life and giving me guidance. And I was so attatched to those people once before, but I’m glad that they don’t have such a driving force in my life anymore. But the people that have stuck around with me, I’m glad to still have you and to have you by my side. Thanks for the love and support you’ve given me so far. But this past year of my life, I’ve really learned what’s importan in life. And it has opened my eyes so wide and I see things so clearly.
I realize the most important things in life are the things that make you smile, make you laugh, make you appreciate what you have, and make you think how far you’ve come from te start. No matter how great or how small, they’re still important. Important to my life is my love for my boyfriend, my love for my friends, my love for my family, and my love for myself. They are important to me because they have taught me to really look at what I have and appreciate what I have. In my life, I’ve lost lots of friends and I’ve even lost parts of my family. It hurt back then when it happened, but I’ve gained more friends and more family to make up for more than that.
To my dad: I know we haven’t always gotten along, I know we’ve hurt each and we’ve gotten angry with each other. But doesn’t everybody do that to each other? We don’t mean to do it and back then, I didn’t stop to think that it was just an accident. I was just a girl then and everything was able to get under my skin and it was still easy to offend and hurt me. But I know that you’re probably one of the hardest working men I’ve ever known. You’ve injured yourself time and time and time again just so mom, Ashley, and I could live in a nice home, eat good food, and know safety. You’ve been through a lot in your life that you like to hide and cover up. But no man is without his scars. But I hope that through all of this, you know that I love you, just like I always have even when I don’t always say it. I’ve always wanted to make you and mom proud and I hope I do.
To my mom: We’ve really had our ups and downs. We’ve had some pretty vicious fights and some pretty nice talks over the years. Just like dad, you work hard to make sure we have a home, food, and shelter. You tried your best in life and like dad, you have your pain and your scars. You were always a little more open with yours than dad, both of you were always honest with Ashley and I. Sometimes you were moody, or in a foul mood, or you were just mad at something and sometimes we’d say things that would hurt the other. But just like I know you still love me, no matter how many fights and harsh words we exchange, I hope that you too know I still love you.
To Ashley: No one ever hit me as hard as you did. When we were growing up, we would fight constantly over every little thing. The rules of a game, who was going to do what in the game, who could watch TV and where, etc. And as you got older, I never understood why you ran out on us. What ever did to make you feel the way you did. But even more so, I never understood why you came back. But all I knew was that I was happy that you did come back to us and that we could be what little family we had left. Over this whole situation, we lost a lot of out family because of you. But I guess they were never really family if they backed out on us like that to begin with, huh? I was angry at you for a long time because all I knew was the hurt mom and dad went through. But looking back, I also knew you were hurting too. I just wish I knew how you were hurting so we could’ve fixed this. You know have a beautiful baby girl which I know you love and cherish with all of your being. And you also have a husband that you care deeply for. Even though so many people don’t like him and have expressed this to you, I understnad why you stay. You don’t want to give up trying having a normal as possible family life for Hailey. Even though you two have had your ups and downs, I know that you’ve tried to show him nothing but love and adoration. You’ve made some choices in your life that you’re not too proud about and I know you feel you pay the price for those everyday. Even though I didn’t understand back then, I understand now. You were trying to do what was best for you and you just wanted your happiness. I hope that someday when all is said and done and you look back on your life, that you can smile and say you found it. Even though I get angry at you, even after everything that has happened- I still love you. You’re my sister and you always will be.
To Stephanie Shiffka: Yeah, we used to be best friends and we used to be realy good friends. What happened? I honestly don’t even know. Here was how my side of the story went: I come back to school and you ignore me. You don’t talk to me and then people start telling me you’ve been talking about me and I even over hear you say things about me. So I went up to you and punched you. I’ll admit it, that wasn’t the right thing to do. I acted on anger, not that it justifies it but at least I’m being honest. I sometimes wonder what today would be like if we were still friends. I sometimes think about all the things we did together and I still remember the fun we had. I miss those times. But we’ve changed a lot, I can safely assume that. But wherever you are in life, I hope you finally find what makes you happy and that you can walk with your head held high. Maybe even forgive your dad for some of the things you felt he did wrong. He was just trying his best to be a good dad, we’re not all perfect. I hope that you follow your dreams of beinga vet, if you still want to do that. Or if your heart desires to be a cat lady, by all means go for it. Just wanted to let you know even after these few years, I still think about you and wonder how you’re doing. Have a nice life, Shiffka. Only wish you the best.
To Stephanie Sturgeon: Holy shit. We’ve been through some CRAZY things! Ever since fourth grade, we’ve been friends. I still remember when you sat behind me on the bus that day and we started talking. Man those were great times. But then you moved away, we barely spoke, then I moved away and we still barely speak. We’re two totally different people now and we’ve gotten so far away from being the close friends we used to be. It’s no ones fault, it happens. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to keep it like we had it. But I hope that after high school, you get to have the life you’ve always dreamed of having. I hope that you pursue any dream that you have in that weird ass head of yours. I hope you and Vernon have a long lasting relationship and that you two are happy for however long you two are together. I wish you the best and for whatever it’s worth, I still love you like a sister.
To Nikole Holcomb: I’m sorry things with Jesse didn’t work out. I really am. But like people always said, if it’s meant to be it will happen. So don’t get discouraged for the future. Maybe your situations will allow it to happen. I’m sorry that some of your friends have let you down in the past. I will not name them for drama’s sake and for their privacy, but you know who I am mean. Even I can be included in that because I know I’ve let you down a time or two. It’s okay, I’ll be honest. I really like that you became one of my closests friends and helped me through a lot of my troubles. It really means a lot to me, I promise. I know that being in the situation you’re isn’t ideal. I know you wish you could be like everyone else but can’t. If it were at all possible, I would trade places with you in a heart beat. But I know that without that, you wouldn’t be who you are today. The funny, unique, cat-crazy, loving person you are today. I know you have a hard time getting along with your family, but I know deep down you love them all. We don’t always get along with those we love, but it’s okay. It’s allowed to happen. I just hope that eventually you end up in your ideal situation and you can finally kick back and relax and smile a real big, genuine smile. And really mean it when you say you’re happy.
To Ben Mason: You’re like a brother to me. I still remember the day I sat at your table at lunch. It was one of the best decisions I made in my life because I gained one of my most valuable friends. I’m sorry your girl situation hasn’t been ideal, but I promise one day you’ll find a girl who loves you and cares for you…then I’ll wish you’d shut up about her haha. Nah, I’m kidding. But I’m lucky to have you as one my best friends and I’m glad I’ve gotten to meet such a crazy, goofy, fun-loving, fan-freakin’-tastic person like you. I hope that in the future, you get to live the good life. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors. I’m sorry you lost your dad a long time ago, but I know that he’s looking down on you and smiling because he couldn’t have asked for a better son like you.
To Lauren Bauer: Wow. It’s been barely a year and already we’ve gone through some crazy shit. I know you’ve been pretty burned by your past and for that I’m really sorry. I wish those things didn’t happen to you, but I think with each challenge in your life you become a stronger person. I wish you’d give yourself more credit than what you give yourself. You’re a beautiful, unique, intricate individual that has gone through some messed up stuff in your life. But you still find something in life to be happy about and you’re still here. Which I’m glad that you are. No matter what happens to you in later life, I know that in the end you’ll look back and say that it all made you stonger and lead you to that point to where you’ll be years from now. You will be happy. You will be loved. And everything will be okay. I promise you.
To Erica Shaw, Candace Casey, Lilly Zavala: You guys are the coolest girls I’ve known. You guys make me laugh so hard everyday and I’m so glad to have had the chance to have met you. I’m truly blessed to have you guys in my life. It’s great to have a bunch of girls like you. Erica, you are freaking hilarious and you deserve nothing but joy and love in your life and I hope that even after I’m long gone from high school, that you get that. Candace, you are probably one of the smartest people I know. You work incredibly hard for your grades and I sometimes worry that it’s harming you more than helping. I hope that you learn that taking it easy doesn’t hurt. It’ll probably help you in the long run. Lilly, you’re on of the most outspoken people I’ve ever talked to. And I love it. Don’t lose that spunk and take life by the horns and don’t let go. None of you let go and please keep being who you are. Beautiful, intelligent, opinionated, individualistic, and unique girls that you are. I wish you all the most happy lives years from now.
To Mrs. Staats: I know you’ve only known me for a little less than a year. I’m just glad that I have your approval for dating your wonderful, amazing, handsome, and warm-hearted son. Thank you for always being so kind to me and always making me feel welcomed in your home. I appreciate all those things and the kindness you’ve shown my parents whenever you guys are around. Thanks for being like a second mom to me and just over all accepting me. It does mean a lot to me. Thank you so much.
And finally to Ryan: I’ve told you this a thousand times, but I’ll say it a thousand and one times more: I love you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing a year of your life with me and being there for me. Thank you for showing me all the things I once thought could never be there. Thank you for appreciating me for who I am and who I want to be. Thank you for supporting my dreams and calming any fear I had, big or small. Thank you for always having confidence in me and for being yourself. You are extremely hard-working, I see it all the time. I know you try your best in everything you do. I know you want to make everyone proud of you, just like I do. You want to make sure you’re not letting anyone down. But I promise you that you’re not letting anyone down. The most important thing is to not let yourself down. I want to see you be happy in your life and whatever you choose to do in your life. I will support you in any choice you make. I am proud of you regardless, so far. You are an amazing individual that I not only got the chance to know, but to also love and care for. I am truly blessed to have you in my life and continue to be everyday. I can’t wait to see what the future has instore for us, I am excited and I take it day by day. I’m thankful for everyday that you are in my life and I hope that I too show you how cherished, special, and loved that you are. Because you are. I cherish you with every bit of who I am and I honor you. I am so happy with my life now and it’s because you helped me to see life how it is. Life is beautiful, life is amazing, and life is wonderful. And thank you for helping me to see that. I love you so much.
As graduation draws near, things are put into perspective for me and I finally have the strength to see that I am: intelligent, unique, special, beautiful, funny, talented, goofy, stubborn, opinionated, wise, and so many other things. The challenges, people, and situations that I’ve faced in life have taught me to finally love myself. That I am human and I deserve those things. Sorry if I didn’t put everyone in here, but know that I too care and appreciate all you have done for me.
It’s four months until graduation, and I think I’m ready. For everything :]